Acting Out

Let's just say today...well it wasn't one of my shining moments. I felt rejected and I lashed out at the one person who truly cares about me. When my daughter was a two year old and she "acted out" like this I would put her in a time out. I guess that's probably where I belong tonight-in time out. Maybe we never really do grow up. Or maybe we never stop growing.

I don't know how to begin
To let myself let you in
But you maybe you could show me
There's so much more I would say
If someone showed me the way
Like you, maybe you could show me
I've been so used to getting what I want
Doing what I want to do
I've always been the one who took the lead
Now I find I need, I need to follow you
So wont' you help me come through
My future's long overdue
It's time, I think I'm ready now
And you could show me how.

Love is the hardest of woods,
Texas Fan

I Let Myself Believe

I should have known right from the start
You never understood the feeling in my heart
I thought that you were just afraid
Or maybe just naïve
And so I let myself believe again

I let myself believe that you could love me
I let myself believe that you would stay
Oh I swore I’d never do this go through this again
But I let myself believe and now I can’t believe
You’ve gone away

I should have learned from times before
Why can’t I stop myself from coming back for more
I fall too fast
I say too much
My heart is on my sleeve
And then I let myself believe again

I let myself believe that you could love me
I let myself believe that you would stay
Oh I swore I’d never do this go through this again
But I let myself believe and now I can’t believe

The signs are always there as they were with you
And still I did what I always do

I let myself believe that you could love me
I let myself believe that you would stay
Oh I swore I’d never do this go through this again
But I let myself believe and now I can’t believe
You’ve gone away.

This song literally breaks my heart. It's along the vein of Streisand's famed My Man. What makes someone keep coming back time after time for rejection? Is it insanity? Is it being stuck in a pattern of abuse? Is it unconditional love?

Honestly, I can't understand it myself. Maybe because I've never loved like that. Or maybe because it's not fair or just and that bothers me. But I'm told that when you love like that, your heart won't let you let go. Even if it might never be returned or realized. Maybe that is the greatest love we have to give...one that never gives up.

Introspective,
Texas Fan

P.S. I found the photo on Scooter Talk (thanks Scooter for the perfect photo for this song)

Perfect love sends fear flying

I don't know how to begin
To let myself let you in
But you, maybe you
Could show me.

Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of disappointing someone. Fear of the unknown. All of these keep us from experiencing love. We may want it. We may see it. We may actually feel it. But the fear grips us so that we can't act on it. We hide behind what we know to be safe and comfortable. And even though everything in our being tells us to play it safe, the love that is out there waiting for us is the only thing that can take away that fear.

The problem is that we don't understand this until we find it. We can't grasp the theory of unconditional (perfect) love. The only love we have ever known has hurt us and not been consistent. It has had conditions and required us to act or be a certain way. And so we think and feel that all love is like that. But God's love isn't. And when someone loves you with that kind of love you had better latch on to it. Because it's rare in this world and it's not often you find a love like that. That love never leaves. That love never fails. That love never gives up. That love keeps standing there even if you walk away or reject it. And if you just reach out for it, you will find it waiting patiently and ready for you to say...

Now I find I need, I need to follow you
So won't you help me come through?
My future's long overdue
It's time; I think I'm ready now
And you could show me how.

Perfect love sends fear flying (John 4:18),
Texas Fanilow

Valentine's Day

It's that time of year again when Hallmark perpetuates its holiday and we all buy into it. I've always hated this holiday. Even when I was young and "in love". But today, for some unexplained reason, I find myself sad. After 38 years of marriage, and much drama, the sparks just aren't there. You find this comfortable place and not that it's bad, but I find myself wishing for that passion.

So...I'm trying to find some love today. Just to make some sense of this silly holiday and take away the sadness. I heard a recent radio interview with Barry in LA when they were talking about his Valentine's Day concert. He said, "it's not just for couples, it's also about friends." For some reason, that brings me comfort. That's where the love seems to flow freely and openly and where I can find some compassion and hope.

So on this Hallmark holiday, I'd like to say, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all of my friends. Thanks for the LOVE and thanks for "giving without taking". I hope that in 2008 we can grow even closer and share some great Manilow memories together.

Finally feeling the LOVE,
Texas Fanilow

What I Did for Love...

It has to be said. In his Vegas show, when Barry is talking about his song "Love is a Many Splendored Thing" he says you will hear today, "love rocks, or love sucks". The question is: does love suck?

My friend's son just had a horrible break up. After four years, his first and only girlfriend walked away. He is of course, devastated. Words of consolation can't help his broken heart right now. For him, love does indeed suck. But I know that once "sorrow has it's day, and when its done, life will go on."

What we do for love is definitely one of the greatest of our life's pursuit. Without love, our hearts are hollow. Our hopes are empty. And without love we have missed out on one of the greatest gifts that God gave us. Love is worth every heartache, every pain, every tear...and on the upside every joy, every triumph, every celebration and every moment shared. So I guess sometimes love rocks, and sometimes it sucks. But...a life without it, is no life at all.

To quote a song from Chorus Line..."Won't forget, can't regret... What I did for love"!

Feeling the love tonight,
Texas Fanilow

"The country needs me out there!"

I just finished watching the Farewell DVD from the First and Farewell release this year. I have to say, Barry has it right. This country needs him out there! He continues to say, "they need an uplifting experience"...isn't that the truth!

Stand outside of Music and Passion after any night in Las Vegas and witness just how uplifting Barry can be. The smiles on the faces of fans and "civilians" will blow you away. There's just something about Barry and his music that makes you smile from ear to ear.

And it certainly does not stop there. People meet for the first time at his concerts, exchange emails, phone numbers and pictures. They stay in touch, attend future shows together, visit one another, pray together, cry together and become friends for life. It's all about the music and what it does for your mental outlook and how it makes you want to connect with other people around you.

With Barry's recent 60's album, the song What the World Needs Now resonates that philosophy. As he says on this Farewell DVD, "we aren't the divided states of America, wer'e the UNITED States of America." That's what Barry's music does...it unites people. It makes us smile, laugh, cry, and motivates us to care. You leave one of his shows wanting to spread the love; wanting to share the joy; wanting to be happy again!

In a recent interview, Barry was asked, "What's life about?". His answer. "Having fun". Simple, but true. What I hope Barry knows and every one of his fans knows, is that the fun turns into so much more. And that friends, is why we need Barry Manilow!

Signing off for now,
Texas Fanilow